


Spider-Man Reads Fanfiction About Himself | W Magazine

by Jenniboo311



Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [17]
Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Aged-Up Peter Parker, Fanfiction, Gen, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Internet, Mention of Deadpool, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Spider-Man: Far From Home Compliant, Secret Identity, Sexual Humor, Social Media, Video, W Magazine, YouTube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:54:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29900688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenniboo311/pseuds/Jenniboo311
Summary: "I don't want to offend anyone by, like, insulting their writing or something."The video quietly cuts to a black title screen with elegant, white, italic text that reads, 'Spider-Man Reads Spider-Man Fanfiction'.He rubs at his masked forehead in distress before heaving a sigh and glancing down at the tablet.
Series: Social Butterfly Spidey [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1484537
Comments: 40
Kudos: 181





	Spider-Man Reads Fanfiction About Himself | W Magazine

**Author's Note:**

> While Peter's age is never specified, I consider him aged up to probably his early twenties, and is a mix of MCU-Spidey and PS4-Spidey. Endgame and Far From Home didn't happen, and Civil War magically ended with everyone as friends again.
> 
> Please note: Any resemblance to real fanfiction is purely coincidental. I am not judging or making any kind of commentary on the types of fanfiction represented here. It's just humor. :) If you feel offended somehow, I apologize. That was not my intention.

"Oh no," Spider-Man moans in distress, caught on video during what appears to be just before the crew commences officially filming. He is sitting in a plush, brown, worn leather chair as a crew member steps into frame and hands him a tablet and steps away. There is a small end table to his right, holding a bottle of what appears to be amber colored liquor of some kind and a couple crystal cut tumblers twinkling in the warm light of the floor lamp behind him. To his left is an ornate wooden room divider in various shades of rich brown and gold. It looks as though he has plopped himself into the den of a rich businessman and should be conducting a business meeting or having scotch with a cigar rather than what he is currently here for, dressed in full superhero costume no less, making it even the more comical. "I don't want to offend anyone by, like, insulting their writing or something."

The video quietly cuts to a black title screen with elegant, white, italic text that reads, 'Spider-Man Reads Spider-Man Fanfiction'.

He rubs at his masked forehead in distress before heaving a sigh and glancing down at the tablet.

"For the record, I can't do creative writing to save my life. Technical reports, research papers, sure. Fiction? No. So I'm sorry if I somehow offend anyone. I'm going to try to be careful what I say, but for the record, no matter what you write it's already better than anything I could write." He glances briefly at the first story and snorts, "I appreciate that you remembered the hyphen in my name, author. Kudos to you."

The camera adjusts to a better angle for the impending narration and Spider-Man lounges back in his chair and crosses his legs, looking very stately indeed. He begins to read dramatically, his large bug-eyed lenses focused on the tablet in his hands.

" _'It's a slow night,' Spider-Man thinks to himself somewhat disappointed as he whips through the crisp air, his harsh breathing echoing back at him in the claustrophobic mask he must wear at all times to protect those he loves most. 'Maybe it's time to call it for today.'_

" _The distant sound of thrusters swells over the top of the steadily dwindling traffic, car doors slamming, and teenagers shouting exuberantly at one another with the energy that has not yet been leached from them by the pressures and crushing disappointment of adulthood.'_ "

Spider-Man breaks into surprised laughter, muttering, "It's funny cuz it's true."

He clears his throat and calms himself to resume reading.

" _'The sound of the thrusters grows louder and the arachnid hero perches on the edge of the roof of a tall building, the sharp breeze momentarily making him shiver in place. He doesn't have to wait long before Iron Man touches down with a dull clunk, the expressionless face peering down at him coldly._

" _'Hey Underoos,' Tony Stark's slightly robotic voice greets him warmly, a sharp contrast to the apathetic stare of the suit. "Seemed like a chilly night, thought you could use a pick me up."_

" _Stark holds out a Thermos and Spidey takes it gratefully, opening it to a burst of steam and greedily inhales the fragrant aroma of hot chocolate._

" _Stark's mask lifts to reveal his face, smiling at him in a way only a father can._

" _'Thanks dad,' the vigilante replies, smiling through his mask at his father. Sometimes being the secret biological son of Iron Man had its perks.'_ "

Spidey reaches the end of the excerpt and lowers the tablet.

"That's a bit unsettling, to be honest with you," Spidey admits with a laugh. "They've obviously watched an interview that I've done with Tony Stark, somewhere along the way, since they know he calls me, 'Underoos'. So points for doing your research!" He gives the camera a thumbs up.

"They described the Iron Man suit pretty well, it can be pretty intimidating up close. It's big, heavy, and the face plate looks pretty stern. There's also a bit of modulation on the voice, so that's cool that the author remembered to put that in.

"As for bringing me hot chocolate, I'm not sure. I'm not saying he'd never do that, but he's probably more likely to call me and talk my ear off until I agree to call it a night for my own good or something. Plus there's a heater system in my suit so that's not as big an issue as you think it is." He shrugs, adjusting in his chair.

"That big reveal though! Spider Stark!" He laughs. "It's hilarious to me because everyone has been speculating since the first interview I did with Tony that I'm secretly his kid. And nobody batted an eye because of his Playboy days. As for whether it's true..." He trails off to build suspense and narrows his eye lenses. "I dunno, is it?" He chuckles and resumes reading the next story on the tablet.

The hero starts to read aloud but has to pause for a moment to read it more carefully, the numerous spelling errors making it difficult.

"Okay wait, let me try that again. _'Put down tat...-that?- purse and I wont have to beat you up spoderman says to the bad guy. 'hah!' the bad guy yells. 'you can't make me do anything'. 'ohyah?' Spidey yells and dropkicks the guy and he faints as he smashes through the window and flies across the street. 'your purse, ma'am,' he says, picking up the purse and giving it back to the lady. 'oh sideman your the best'. 'all in a days work ma'am.' and then he swings away.'_ "

Spider-Man blinks at the tablet.

"Well," he hedges, trying to be careful of what he says. "That was very...violent."

He awkwardly scratches the back of his neck.

"First of all," he sticks his finger in the air, "You forgot the hyphen. It's Spider-hyphen-Man, not Spiderman, all one word, spoderman, or sideman. This is very important to me." He puts down his finger. "It was certainly, uh...imaginative. Though I generally prefer to talk it out before committing murder, because surely that man did not survive. The amount of force needed to launch an adult male through a window and across the street is probably much more than you think. Could I do it?" He nods. "Probably. Would I?" He shakes his head. "No."

Spidey holds up a placating hand, "I appreciate your, uh, enthusiasm though. That went from zero to a hundred real fast. Next!"

He holds up the tablet to read the next story.

" _'You fidget nervously, standing at the balcony of your apartment that Spider-Man deposited you safely on just a moment ago. Never in your life did you expect to meet the hero in person, much less to experience web swinging. The way your hair ruffled in the wind and your stomach swooped as you both flew through the air will stay with you forever as one of your most cherished memories._

" _'Y/N,' he rumbles in his deep voice, drawing you out of your wandering thoughts. 'Are you okay?'_

"Y/N? What the heck is- oh. Is that, does that stand for 'your name'? Is this one of those reader insert things? Okay cool. Also, I think it's kind of funny that people describe me with this deep, manly voice. I wouldn't say I've got an overly deep voice. It's not high pitched, but it's not deep. I would say it's a normal pitch, I guess? I modulate it in the suit to go a bit deeper to disguise my real voice but even that's not very deep. I'm no Barry White." He laughs to himself and continues.

" _'You saved me Spider-Man. You saved my life, and I'll never be able to repay you. I'm so grateful.'_

" _'You don't need to repay me, Y/N,' he replies in his warm, honeyed voice. Just knowing that you're okay is all the thanks I need.'_

_"You shift closer to place your palm on his chest, suddenly feeling warm despite the bracing breeze of the autumn evening on your skin. You feel his heartbeat speed up and his breathing grow heavy._ "

The vigilante pauses, suddenly feeling suspicious of the direction this fic is going in.

" _'Maybe I want to repay you, Spider-Man. Desperately. And I think I know just how to do it,' you say coyly, as you skim your palm down his chiseled abdomen, feeling the muscles underneath jump-'_

"Holy cow, is this porn?" The vigilante asks incredulously, visibly embarrassed as he runs his free hand over his eyes. "Y'all are really out to kill me here today aren't you? Making me read smut about myself. Ohmygod." He sighs heavily and hangs his head back to rest against the armchair and stare desperately at the ceiling. He takes a minute to compose himself before sitting up properly again and addressing the camera.

"Okay, so everyone has fantasies. That's cool, not gonna blast anyone for it despite it making me, personally, feel awkward. But just for the record, because I don't want anyone to confuse fact and fiction, this has never happened. I've gotten offers, sure, but I will not, and will never follow through on that." He shakes his head for emphasis. "I'm a superhero and I've saved people's lives and I'm sure that's probably attractive or exciting to some people." He shrugs helplessly, insinuating he's baffled anyone would find him attractive enough to proposition out of the blue. "This story is fiction and isn't actually hurting anyone, but in real life I feel like that would be taking advantage of the situation, and of someone who is probably feeling vulnerable and not in their right mind and I would never condone that. Consent is important, folks. My help is, and always will be, free with no terms or conditions. I don't keep score and I don't expect anything in return. Except maybe a hope that you might one day pay a kindness forward, the world could use a bit more of that."

He flicks through the tablet screen, searching for the next story. "I'm sure you're a lovely writer, but if I have to read about what happens after that hand ends up wherever it's going to end up, I might actually just die of embarrassment. So please forgive me, but my heart can't take reading any more of that."

He finds the next story and with a fortifying breath, continues.

" _The reporters shout their questions as Spider-Man takes the stage, coming to rest at the podium. He waits for them to quiet, their shouts echoing off each other and consolidating into one unintelligible wall of noise that quickly overwhelms his sensitive hearing._

" _'Quiet!' Tony shouts at them sternly, coming from offstage to stand supportively at Spider-Man's side. 'Do you want to hear what he has to say or not?'_

" _The chastised reporters immediately fall quiet and Spider-Man takes a fortifying breath and nods his thanks at the billionaire._

" _'Good afternoon. As you all know, because of the Accords, which I have just signed, I am now required to reveal my identity. And so, without further ado, I'll rip the bandaid off.'_

" _With a dramatic yank, he pulls the iconic mask from his head to reveal spiky, short brown hair slightly matted from the mask, warm brown eyes, a strong jaw, and an inviting smile._

_'Hi, nice to finally meet you. I'm Webster-'_ "

Spider-Man snorts and claps a hand to his mouth to contain his mirth but he breaks into laughter nevertheless. His head falls back and he laughs at the ceiling, eye lenses narrowing and his free hand slapping his thigh.

"Oh my God, I kinda wish my name was Webster now. That's amazing." He sits upright. "Is that a reflection on the fact that I'm smart like the Webster dictionary, or is it a little nod with the whole web slash spider thing? Either way, I'm diggin' it."

A couple stray giggles escape. "Obviously I'm not going to confirm or deny the speculation on my physical features. What I will say is that the author made some clever choices. Short brown hair is the most common for men in the United States, as well as brown eye color. I've frequently pulled my mask up to my nose to eat, so many of you already know what the bottom of my face looks like. Obviously the author has seen that before. It's nice you think I have an inviting smile. Nobody has ever said that to me before. Thanks, I guess?" He shrugs awkwardly. "But yeah, that's probably how it's gonna go down one of these days unless the shit hits the fan. I can't outrun the Accords forever, they're snapping closer and closer at my heels everyday. I am not excited about this."

With a chuckle he holds up the tablet to read the next excerpt.

" _'Damn baby boy, that ass won't quit,' Deadpool exclaims, coming up behind the mouthy twink to slap that iconic ass and watch it jiggle invitingly._ "

Spider-Man pauses, narrowing his eyes at the tablet in his hand in suspicion.

" _'Oh, Deadpool," Spidey gushes breathily, stripping off his skin tight costume to reveal he's wearing a Deadpool-"_ the vigilante sighs in exasperation, _"-thong...and nothing else. The tattoo on his right cheek catches Deadpool's eye, Property of Wade Wilson._

" _With a feral groan and a conveniently easy zipper that's probably not there in real life, Deadpool shucks off his suit to mount his personal hero-'_ "

Spider-Man chokes and flips the tablet over so he doesn't have to look at it anymore. "Deadpool wrote this, didn't he?" He pinches the bridge of his nose and shakes his head. "For the last time, Wade, I'm not branding your name on my ass. You can quit it with the texts, calls, emails, tweets, DMs, and standing outside my window to shout." He puts his hand down and looks desperately into the camera. "He even sent me a fax. I don't even _have_ a fax machine, he just spammed it at one of the Stark Industries clerks until she cried and quit and they had to unlist the number."

He puts his head in his hand, propping the elbow on the arm of the chair and stares down at his lap despondently. "Why is this my life?" He mutters quietly.

* * *

Comments

**Tabala**

Spidey refusing to crap on any of the writing, even the really awful stuff, is just making me so soft

**OldFashionedMoth**

Omg I died watching Spidey react to the smut, he's so awkward it's hilarious. I might have died a little inside too. ☠️

**dusty_wolf**

#irondad! #irondad! #irondad!

**bumblie_bee**

How is one person so wholesome? Is this guy for real?

**Mira**

#consentisimportant say it louder for the people in the back

**Jan**

I wonder how many times he's been propositioned? Kinda seemed it he implied it was a lot. Not gonna lie, if I had a chance I'd shoot my shot too

**Spawn_Hades**

Omg deadpool needs to chill out lol wtf

**TotallyNotDeadpool**

I wrote a sequel if you're interested, baby boy 😘

**Author's Note:**

> If you have read my other fics in this series you may notice I used the names of commenters as random users. If I have used your name and this bothers you, please let me know and I will happily change it.
> 
> If you liked my story, please consider dropping me a line to let me know you enjoyed yourself! 
> 
> Find me on tumblr @jenniboo311. Sometimes I post sneak peeks. Feel free to say hi or submit an ask/request/suggestion. :)


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